Is being gay a problem?

It’s not being gay that makes some young people unhappy. It’s the negative reaction of other people that they fear, coming to terms with being ‘different’ and coping with it that’s difficult. It is even harder if this has to be done in secrecy from family, friends and teachers.

Lesbian and gay people of all ages can find themselves emotionally exhausted by having to reconcile how they are feeling inside with the problems others have in coming to terms with their sexuality.

LGBT and HIV/STD/AIDS

The truth is being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender does not give you AIDS. Certain sexual practices, certain drug use behaviors and other factors can put you at risk for catching HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, as well as other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

HIV is spread by sexual contact with an infected person, by sharing needles and/or syringes (for drug injection) with someone who is infected, or, less commonly through transfusions of infected blood or blood clotting factors. Babies born to HIV-infected women may become infected during birth or through breast-feeding after birth.

There is a lot of false or misleading information, often fueled by homophobia, that continues to be shared widely. Do seek out reliable sources when educating yourself about HIV/AIDS.

If your loved one is presently HIV-positive or has AIDS, they now need support more than ever. There are several local organizations that can help you with medical, psychological and physical care. Action for AIDs is a good resource for further information.

A Mother's love for her 2 gay sons

"I have two sons. They’re 24 and 21 years old. Yes, you can print their names: Shin Ming and Shin En.

When did I find out?

It was when Shin Ming was 15. He walked into my room one night. One of his good friends from ACS had come over for the evening, my husband was out of town, and I was lying in bed, taking a rest. And Ming walked in and said to me, “Mama, I’m gay.”

And so –

I was just so –

I guess before that I had my suspicions. I sort of knew, and yet at the same time it’s not something you ask. You don’t go to your son and say, “So, are you gay?” after all.

And yet when he actually announced it to me, I was still so stunned. My first thought was, “He’s going to have a really tough life.” It wasn’t me I was worried about, I was worried for him. He was still my son.

My second thought was, “How is his father going to take this?” Because my husband had had a gay friend in his university days at MIT, and I had heard him pass some remarks before like, “Such a pity, he was such a brilliant guy, unfortunately he was gay and he threw his life away working on gay causes, and then he died of AIDS.” So those were the two overriding concerns for me.

But of course at the same time there was a part of me that was trying to deny reality, thinking, “Hmm, well maybe this is just one of the weird projects he’s doing for his GEP.” Ming had always been a precocious kid: he had learned to read and speak very early, he would put on acts and plays using the sofas as a stage, even organising his cousins to act. Maybe he and his classmate had cooked this up to decipher the reactions of parents when they go and declare something like this.

But another part of me realised, “No, it can’t be, this is too serious.” Then I thought about how he’d had the courage to come and basically out himself to me. What should my reaction be to him, anyway?

So after that, I went to his room and I started talking to him. Basically, I gave him the usual mother’s reaction. “Are you sure? You know, you really don’t need to make any decisions right now. You’re still young. You should just continue to make friends with everyone. And maybe we shouldn’t tell your father yet.”

Anyway, that was my reaction to Ming. It made for some difficult situations, and looking back maybe I shouldn’t have said the last part, maybe I should have just said to him just be open with his father, although that was a very big worry for me. But Ming listened to me, and he didn’t talk to his father about it until two years later, while we were having dinner. By then, I think he felt confident enough to explain.

In the meantime, of course, it was very difficult for me to handle this by myself. All along I had this gut feeling that said, “Yes, he’s still my son and I love him.” I had been trying to see if I could find information on being a parent to gay children. At that time, the Internet was not so easy for you to navigate, so I tried to find some books in the NUS library on how to handle this. Eventually I bought one in Northampton, Massachusetts, one of the most accepting places in the world for GLBT people. It was called “Always My Child” by Kevin Jennings and Pat Shapiro, and it touched me a lot. But I was still very worried about what Ming’s future was going to be like, knowing the extent of homophobia in Singapore, as well as in Malaysia, where he’s still a citizen.

I was still a closeted parent back then, and talking about him was very tricky with other people. After a couple of years, friends would keep asking me, “So does he have a girlfriend yet?” I didn’t know what to say, so I had to reply, “Ohhh, not that I know of.” That was believable, luckily, since we’d sent him to Winchester, England to do his A-levels.

En’s case was very different. He’s a very charming young man, and in contrast to Shin Ming, who had hardly any female friends, he had a whole long list of them. When he was five or six, we would visit family friends with daughters around his age, and on two separate occasions, the sisters would literally fight each other for the privilege of sitting next to him. So even from a very young age, girls tended to be very attracted to him.

In ACS he was also very much involved in drama, so you would have all these girls who would come for drama productions who’d be interested in him. They would call him up and talk to him on the phone, even late at night. So he would tell me about these girls calling him, and how one of them, also a very attractive young girl, had wanted him to be her “special boyfriend”. So he would discuss with me at the dinner-table whether he should be her boyfriend, and at that time I just gave him similar advice – that there’s no necessity to be a special friend until later on, and that right now he should just be friends with everybody. Later on he admitted he had been trying to throw me off.

It might have been when he was 15, while we were traveling in Vancouver, that I noticed how Ming was buying these books for young people about being gay, and passing them on to En. So when we came home, I saw En reading these books. I assumed that since his brother was gay, he was just reading up on the issue, so I didn’t think too hard about it. But one day, his father caught him reading these books, and confronted him, saying, something like “Is your brother trying to convert you?”

I know there’s no way you can convert someone, but that was what my husband said to him.

So that evening I went and talked to him. I said, “En, is there something you want to tell me?” And then he told me that he was also gay, and that it was hard, because as he said, “I know gor-gor’s gay, and it must be difficult for parents to have both sons gay.” I can understand now how difficult it must have been for him too. And so then after that I gave him the same spiel all over again – the one about continuing to be friends with everyone – and then I told him how I felt: that is, that I wasn’t worried about myself, but for them.

My husband didn’t react well. When he first found out about Ming, what he said was that he had sort of guessed already. But now when he found out about En, his reaction to me was like, “We seem to have hit the jackpot - what are the chances of both sons being gay? One in a few million?” He obviously had to voice what he felt, but I’m sure he was horribly, horribly disappointed. To his credit he has been supportive: he’s continued to love and support both of our sons, and I don’t think he treats them any differently, or loves them any less. Of course, being his wife, I have heard him say a thousand little things to me that I have to interpret as coming short of full acceptance.

The most telling moment was when we separated, about two and a half years ago. While we were going through the process of breaking up, the first thing he said to me was, “Good. Now that I have the chance to marry another woman, maybe my future children will not be gay.”

Of all the nasty and hurtful things my husband said and did to me during that troubled time, I would deem that one of the worst. It still rankles with me today. My reaction, once I began to think about it more rationally, was, “How can you say that about our children? What’s wrong with our children? Why would you even think that?” And later, “First of all, what’s wrong with being gay? Secondly, is he trying to imply that it was my fault that the two boys are gay? So if he marries his girlfriend and has some other children, he can be sure they will not be gay?” I have to understand that it’s all very difficult for men, especially misogynistic men who believe in the importance of a family line in “traditional Chinese” culture. My response to that kind of statement now would be “You should be so lucky if your future children, whether gay or not, are half as wonderful and loving human beings as the two sons we have.”

The important thing, however, is that he does support the children. When we visited their uncles and aunts in Australia, he and I both explained to the relatives the fact that our sons are gay. And when Ming went to Stanford and became involved with the GLBT groups, he agreed to appear in one of their publicity flyers as a parent who had accepted his gay child. I also visited Ming in university, and went along with him to the talks that he had organised to raise awareness amongst the other students about gay rights and culture. I think it really made a difference to Ming that I was willing to be there. I think it also made an impression on other students, showing them that a parent can be so fully accepting and loving of her gay child.

Back home, En was also keeping busy. In Sec 3, he left ACS for United World College, which was a really good move for him, because I think he had been very unhappy due to the very strong sense of homophobia amongst the students. When he went to UWC, he found a lot more acceptance there, and he really just blossomed. He decided to set up a support group for gay people, the equivalent of what in America they call a GSA, a Gay Straight Alliance. He first talked about it with his tutors and they were all very encouraging, and when he proposed it to the principal the only issue was that she felt the name sounded too provocative in Singapore, so they called it the Gay Straight Forum instead. So he was able to organise talks, raising consciousness about what it was like being gay, and he actually found members for his group among the school body, gay people and straight people too. So that was a big step for him in his development, and a very positive experience for him.

I’m volunteering right now with Action For AIDS, and I’ve always been a life member of AWARE. This year I’m involved in their campaign on HIV and women, which is a big issue, because it’s very easy for a woman to get infected and in fact two thirds of the women who tested positive in Singapore appear to have got it from their husbands. HIV is always a major concern as well for parents of gay sons, anyway, even though the heterosexual transmission rate is still higher in Singapore. I did talk to my sons, and they both assured me that they knew about protecting themselves, which is a relief of course, because there are so many people in Singapore who should know better but who still take risks anyway. En even manned the Action For AIDS information booth alone when he was a first-time volunteer, when the executive director had to take urgent leave because of his mother’s death. The director only told me about this two years ago at the AIDS candlelight memorial, and he said that En had done the job like a professional. I couldn’t stop myself from crying, I felt so proud.

Volunteering has definitely widened my circle of friends and acquaintances in Singapore. I think my social world was quite limited before I got involved, since I’m from Penang, and so aside from my contacts at work there were really just my husband’s family and married couple friends. Two years ago, I met Alex Au from www.yawningbread.com, at the book launch of “People Like Us: Sexual Minorities in Singapore”. I started talking to him, and I said how I thought we should have some kind of support system for parents and friends of gay people who come out. And then he started telling me stories about how some people, young people that he knew, had told their parents and literally gotten kicked out of the house and then had nowhere to live. So then we started talking about how we could maybe get friends and parents together as a group, to see what we could do in terms of supporting gay people and the people close to them. He gave me the contact of another mother of a gay child, but she was too busy at the time, and I was going through very emotional times with my breakup, so we couldn’t pursue it that much. But now I’m starting to talk with Reverend Yap Kim Hao, so maybe we can try and start something like the support group I would have wanted back when my sons first came out to me.

Right now, both my sons are abroad. We e-mail, I call once a week, and they both blog so I just check their blogsites – this is the modern version of how parents keep in touch with their kids’ lives. It’s so much better than when I was at Smith College in the US in the 70’s, and a letter would take a week to ten days to go back and forth. Shin Ming’s finished his Bachelors in Philosophy from Stanford, but now he’s decided to go to Hastings Law School in the University of California, something practical. He’s been working for a nonprofit over the summer, doing legal work in the National Center for Lesbian Rights in San Francisco. En has finished his IB and has gone to Dartmouth; currently I think his major is going to be Gender Studies, since it’s what he’s interested in. I’ve talked to his boyfriends a couple of times, over the phone and via the Net, through yahoo messenger.

I’m not sure where the two of them will end up – it’s not just a case of their wants and desires but whether they can get a job, and the fact that they hold Malaysian passports. But as I’ve told them already, what I really wish for their future is that they become productive members of society, and that they’ll contribute in whatever way they can using their skills, to the best of their ability.

I still wonder about the future. There seems to be too much reactionary religious influence that’s accepted by the policy-makers when they come up with policies. I believe that if gay couples have a commitment to each other, why shouldn’t we celebrate their love? Why not let them set up a family? Ming loves children, and he’s very good with his younger cousins, it would be a shame if he didn’t have kids – but the laws here wouldn’t let him adopt a child. People say, “Oh, we’re a very conservative society, and therefore we cannot do this or that openly.” But have we gone out and actually done a proper survey? Have we walked down the streets and actually asked people, “Would you react differently if you found out that someone’s gay?” I don’t think that people would worry too much. Gay people are people, just like gay children are still your children.

I want every parent to know that it really does get easier. The more you read and think and talk about it, the more readily you can accept it. It helps so much to be open about it, to speak honestly, just as they were honest and trusting enough to tell you about themselves in the first place.

Why be afraid of them? They really are still the same children that you loved the day before they outed themselves. And we will always love our children. That day, the day after, and every day after that."

Does the Gay Community really exist? Does the local community lack an effective gay symbol?

The Gay Community. One hears this phrase thrown about a lot – it’s often used to refer to us as the collective group, with a whole secret political agenda to take over the world and threaten the institution of marriage and family.

But flippant ironies aside, what does it really mean? Let’s start with the dictionary definition – that’s always a good place to start.

Community (plural communities )
1. Group of people sharing a common understanding who reveal themselves by using the same language, manners, tradition and law.
2. The condition of having certain attitudes and interests in common.

So then comes the question - is there a gay community?

Going by the first definition, the answer would likely be yes. The gay community does share a common understanding – that we are interested in men, of course.

Do we reveal ourselves using the same language, manners, tradition and law? Most definitely. The laws of fashion and aesthetics govern us all. Be it wearing tailored bermudas, sashaying down Tanjong Pagar, or spending small fortunes on personal grooming, any gay man worth his salt is definitely able to identify another.

However, while we do live in a common fashion, the second definition does not seem to hold. As a whole, the condition of having certain attitudes and interests in common does not seem to be true.

The gay community seems to be fractured into many sub communities, each pursuing their own individual aims and interests. From the profit motive of saunas and clubs, to the personal sexual escapade that one pursues through various channels, there seems to be little concern for a motive outside of one's personal realm.

Very rarely do we see the entire community moving together towards one purposeful aim, in one coordinated direction. Be it setting up a business, climbing the corporate ladder in our careers, or pursuing our next relationship, these seem to be our main, private concerns.

Greater social issues, such as HIV and AIDS, minority discrimination within our own community, and even gay rights itself, often take a backseat. While there have been commendable efforts in each of these areas, to say that the entire community made a concerted, unified stand is far from the truth.

The question is, why?

It's easy to throw the usual rhetoric of how human beings are selfish, and that gay men are especially selfish things, concerned only with themselves. But if this were so, any greater cause would be doomed to fail under the pressure of petty human selfishness.

Such a generalization does not hold up, when one takes a broader perspective. Gay rights movements show a communal sense of purpose not present in the Singaporean context. The problem does not lie with our sexuality, or our innate human selfishness.

Perhaps this might be due to the lack of a truly unifying symbol or theme.

Symbols are powerful things. The West has pride parades, Stonewall, days of silence for GLBT victims and Ian McKellen. These act as rallying points, symbols that foster a sense of community that supports each other in times of need.

However, these symbols have not proven themselves to be as effective in an Asian context..

The Rainbow Flag, for example, is a wholesale import from Western movements, and many that I've spoken to find that they do not relate to this symbol.

It's hardly surprising. After all, the rainbow flag also hails from the very same culture that stereotypes Asian gay men as being weak, timid, unassertive, and effeminate. The rallying points that the Western culture use are not necessarily translatable into an Asian context.

Undeed, how many of us know the history behind the Rainbow Flag, and what each colour of the Rainbow Flag stands for?

(For those of you who would like to know, the Flag was first flown in the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day Parade on June 25th 1978. The eight colours, Pink, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Turquoise, Blue, and Violet represented Sexuality, Life, Healing, Sunlight, Nature, Magic, Serenity and Spirit respectively.)

So what symbol does Singapore have? 377A?

Much has been talked about the debate against 377A being a milestone in the advancement of gay rights. Serving as a rallying point for gay rights, Singapore was propelled on to the world map of gay rights advancements.

Everyone knows about it. But how many people do staunchly support its repeal? I've come across a large number of people who are simply content with the government's placatory statement of not actively prosecuting.

Which is rather dismal, considering that there are also a fair amount of straight men and women who support the repeal.

A symbol needs to be created by the people, for the people, to have a rallying effect. The intricate web of traditions and representations needs to be understood by the people, in order for the symbol to be effective.

And maybe, with such a symbol flying high, we too can have the sense of pride and communal acceptance when we say that we are, indeed, part of the gay community of Singapore

BITCH!

Bitch.

Such a strong word. Even the way you say it, almost spitting it out like a wad of curdled yoghurt, and its sound, is vehemently unforgiving. The word itself has a host of meanings, most of them unpleasant, including: a female dog; a malicious, unpleasant or selfish person; or a complaint. Used as a verb, it means to complain or to gripe.

Gay people, be they campy and loose-wristed or macho and straight acting, love to bitch. Even the most discreet of us can sometimes unwittingly launch into a bitch session with all the enthusiasm of a true-blue Bitcherina.

Some of us even take the title as a compliment – I have a friend who likes to call himself 'Queen Bitch of the Universe'. When we meet after a hard day of work for a drink, he would stalk up, briefcase in hand, plonk into an empty seat, light a cigarette and repeat his usual line, “I'm in a bitchy mood today.” This often amuses me, because the bitchier he gets, the more he walks like Naomi Campbell, although he probably doesn't realise it and we never tell him.

It seems that this is almost a natural ability with gay boys, and we make sure everyone knows it. It is sometimes whispered in certain awe (I exaggerate a little) that no man, woman or creature can out-bitch a gay guy on the warpath.

Why are gay people so bitchy? Is it simply yet another undeserved stereotype, or is there a reason to explain why we turn into Lady Deathstrikes whenever we want to? I am no Sigmund Freud, but I figure it could simply be a defense mechanism – or a cry for attention.

Those of us who were teased mercilessly when we were young for being faggots or sissies simply had to find a way to deal with all the ridicule. If they called you 'sissy', you retorted with 'slut'. If they sneered and called you a lady-boy, you gave them the finger and insulted their vocabulary.

One day, they told you that you were a bitch, and you said, “Whatever, it's better than being an ugly orang-utan.” and you had the last word. You discovered you could deal with being a bitch, even liked it because you usually had the last word, and so from that day on, you decided that being bitchy was a good way of dealing with unpleasant people.

So what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, a.k.a. when Bitcherina clashes with Bitchzilla?

In physics, they would say such a paradox would result in an outpouring of energy that would eventually destroy the universe. However, in the gay world, we know better. What is generated is mainly a lot of unpleasant squabbling over increasingly ridiculous and trivial issues.

This is often apparent on the Trevvy forums. When two parties have differing points of view that they feel very strongly about, they sometimes tend to get into hissy fits that can continue past the point of no return.

While I am all for a spot of bitching now and then – it does wonders for one's self-esteem and is quite a lot of fun once in a while – I also know that it can affect others around us.

For that reason, I tend to temper myself and proceed with caution. Bitching is an activity reserved for days out with the sisters, impolite hawker centre aunties and homophobic bigots. It is not, no matter how it seems, about proving who can have the last word and thus reign as Queen of Hell.

Next time, when you start to bitch consider the people around you (like just before sex, you think 'condoms!'), and try not to let any of it spill over.

Thinking out loud - the invisible gay olympic medalist.

If you are wondering about the recent furore surrounding Olympic diver Matthew Mitcham, here is the summary:

Matthew Mitcham was an up-and-coming Olympic hopeful when he dropped out of the sport two years before the Beijing Games due to anxiety and depression. One year before the actual Olympics, the young diver resumed training after much persuasion from his coach. He made the national team, which was not expected to fare well against China's famous powerhouse diving team.

True to expectations, the athlete performed poorly in his first event, not even making it to the semifinals. On his final attempt in his final event, however, he raised shockwaves that rippled across the sports community in an upset win that not only denied China the gold medal, but prevented China from taking a gold medal sweep in all eight of that sports category.

Matthew Mitcham, young, talented and goodlooking, is also the only out gay male athlete at the event, having come out as gay less than six months earlier.

His victory is easily the highest profile win ever by a gay man in an Olympic event, having posted the highest score ever given to a single dive during Olympic competitions.

Both his mother and his partner were in the stands to witness his triumph, their trip having been financed by a grant from Johnson & Johnson, a trip they would never have been able to afford otherwise.

After receiving his gold medal, he climbs into the stands to kiss his partner. One would have expected such a compelling story of victory and human interest to be told. Not according to broadcast giant, NBC.

Matthew's award ceremony and story did not make the NBC telecast, but was shown on their website.

When asked about why NBC had not mentioned that Mitcham was gay or that his partner was in the stands, NBC spokesperson, Greg Hughes said, “In virtually every case, we don't discuss an athlete's sexual orientation.”

It was, however, pointed out that in fact the network does exactly that by telling viewers about Olympic athletes’ various spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, and even in one case a heterosexual “love triangle” Hughes responded, “Not in every case. Not every athlete has a personal discussion. I could show you 500 athletes we didn’t show. We don’t show everyone. We don’t show every ceremony.”

But surely, taking into account Mticham’s stunning come-from-behind victory, the historical significance of his achievement as a gay man, and his own personal history, it seems unlikely the vast majority of those other athletes truly have as compelling a story as Mitcham. The human interest element in this story is indeniable, nor is Mitcham's performance in the event. Said Hughes, “How do you know that? How do you know that someone on the rowing team doesn’t have as compelling a story?”

Pressed that it was hard to believe that there truly any other athletes with stories as compelling as Matthew’s, especially ones who single-handedly prevented the Chinese from sweeping all of the gold medals in an entire sport, Hughes would only say, “It’s not possible to cover the entire personal story of every athlete regarding their performance. … It’s just not possible to single out coverage."

In Singapore such aversion towards covering or telecasting any gay-related material is nothing new. Season 4 of Desperate Housewives, for example, was not shown on local TV despite high ratings of past seasons of the hugely popular television series. It is interesting to note that Season 4 of Desperate Housewives features a gay couple moving in to Wisteria Lane.

The authorities have already made their point very clear - local media must not promote an 'alternative' lifestyle. Previously, Singapore's Channel 5 was fined a hefty $15,000 for airing an episode of a home decor series which contained scenes of a gay couple with their baby. The show also featured "the presenter's congratulations and acknowledgement of them as a family unit in a way which normalises their gay lifestyle and unconventional family setup."

While we understand that local media companies have regulations and guidelines imposed by the authorities, we are still hopeful that one day Singapore can look past such peripherals and that eventually the media can judge relevant news and entertainment for what they are - news and entertainment - and not let it be coloured by regulatory concerns. We can only wait to find out.

Gay Sex and the City #3

The most common and most used word. Instead of the usual word 'bf' (boyfriend), the community prefers to use LTR (stands for Long Term Relationship) which I felt was representable of us.

But somehow, I think that the word has been over-used and the meaning is gone.

According to most of the dictionary and acronyms website, LTR is straightforward and self-explanatory in its meaning.

In chatrooms and normal chats among friends, people would tend to use LTR as it is direct, straight to the point and may not be understood by the general public.

So what is LTR?
- LTR is an extended word of bf, which means you are supposed to live for long together.
- LTR is not just an ordinary bf.
- LTR is what hetero people call 'vow that we stay together forever'.

There should be a clear distinction between what is LTR and a bf. It seems that people nowadays are blind enough to point out that difference. Some use the word for 'the sake of using it' and end up being hurt or cause hurt to other party.

Okay, I know I am beating around the bush, but I have to emphasise the importance of using the right word in the right context. If you are not ready to commit, settle down, share your feelings, and etc, please please do not use the word LTR. Or really, don't even think of having a bf for yourself. Find a fun buddy or stick to singlehood.

Gay Sex and the City #2

Gay sex in the city 2
Top? Btm? Versatile? Which category are you under?

This is one of the few questions being asked whether you are in the chatrooms, dating someone, or when you are looking for a sex partner.

The term top, bottom, and versatile (also known as flex) has been widely used in the Gay circle.

I, for one, do not believe in any of this "nonsensical" terms as this only restricts my movement to be what I want to be. Let us look at this scenario:

Imagine if I am a top and I am looking for a bottom as a partner (be it sex or otherwise), it will be difficult for me as everytime when I found a top, I would have to reject him and said that I am looking for a bottom instead. Or worse, I would have to ask the top to be a bottom, which definitely will put the other guy in a tough situation. This goes the same for a bottom as well.

But when I am versatile (flex), I will be looking for someone who is also versatile for "matching" purposes. Or worse, when I am flex top or flex bottom and I have to look for the opposite of what I am.

Now looking at all this complicated terms, it seems that we are further categorising ourselves into different portions. It is like saying, "All bottoms, please move to the right. All tops, move up front."

We need to be mutual in order for all this to happen. Of course, if you say that you rather not do anal fun (like yours truly), then it saves all that trouble of top and bottom.

I would imagine one day if either one of the category is lopsided, then what would the other category be doing? Won't he have no choice at all, and be left alone?

I am not saying that it should be depleted from the gay community cause this is what sets us apart from the heterosexual world. But, shouldn't we think about it once in a while? I have thought about it and that what makes it difficult sometimes, when the raging hormones want me to shove it into his butt and/or when the butt is itching to receive that "poke".

Okay, I have been talking about sex all along. But what about in relationship? When you ask a couple who is bottom and top, or sometimes without asking, you may guess who takes on what role. It is normally being said as 'the guy and girl'.

The top is more aggressive, straight acting (lol!), acts as the man, show support and love for the bottom while the bottom is sometimes flamboyant, receives love and care from the top (and craves for them) and etc (you get the drift..)

What if for a change, both be the bottom and the top in the relationship. I would think it is more fun that way than doing 'what you are supposed to do'.

So, are you top, bottom, versatile or.. none?

Gay Sex and the City #1

Gay sex in the city 1
In this circle, there are 3 types of men, when it comes to sex of course:
1. The one who goes for non anal fun.
2. The one who goes for anal fun.
3. The one who goes for kinky sex (e.g. sado, bondage)

*I do not categorise masseurs as one of them as it is really up to them to offer special services*

Throughout my time being in Trevvy (then called Sgboy), it is normal for me to receive messages from unknown strangers who commented on my pictures and try to lead me on a sex-capade. But, being the cautious one, I offer a one-off ONS with no anal context. I have strict regulations on myself and of course, it is for my benefit. I do not want to get myself into trouble.

Some, after hearing it, would reject me there and then, but some agreed to it.

Looking back at it again, I believe that teenagers are lured too easily by this so-called hormones in them. I know, as I was one of them, and still am. But the main point is, teenagers as young as 11 are opening up too quickly, and are willing to try their luck on gay sex; risking their lives altogether.

I could only come up with 2 reasons why this happen:
1. No control
2. Peer Pressure

1. By no control, it means that these teenagers are either wild or their parents are not at home 90% of the time, due to work. It is this factor that is killing all the curiosity in these teenagers. As long as the kid is at home, the parents are fine with it and are always constantly reminding them not to open the door to strangers, but eventually, it happens.

These teens are undergoing the phase in their life where they want to know everything and they would like to try all those that they have seen in the TV or the internet. I know of someone whom I offered to coach him in his Mathematics for FREE. He replied by saying that since he couldn't afford to pay me in sum, he would pay me in other forms, such as sex. I directly rejected the offer and told him that I do not need to be paid and I am doing it for leisure.

2. Peer Pressure is of course the main root of all evil. When one friend describes his sex-capade as exciting and thrilling, the other would want to try it. And this leads to blind sex (sex without protection) and which will lead to unwanted spreading of diseases.

It is sometimes sad to see these teenagers, who have a bright future to be involved in all this. I sincerely hope something would be done to at least curb and protect them from future harm.

Yes, everywhere it is said to 'be safe and use a condom'. I agree with it. If you can't stop it totally, at least refrain from the spreading of HIV. I think the safest way is to settle down with a partner, know he/she is there for you for the rest of your lives and hope for the best in the future.

Me? I am still searching for the one to knock on my heart, before I open it.

Gay = Sex ?!?

It seems like many people link up the word gay or homosexual with the word sex or something sexual. This thought is so deeply rooted in our society and our own consciousness that even I, myself, can't deny that I think in the same way.

So what is your opinion?

The Lesbian, Gay and the Closet

How many people are really out and proud in Singapore?
1 out of 10 gays? 1 out of 100 gays? Or maybe even less?
Even I myself, can't be 100% certain that I'm proud, even though I'm out.
There are occasions when i hope my closet could still hide me..

There are on-going battles inside each of us.
Our true selves are calling out to be heard while our brains suppress it after considering factors such as discrimination etc.

At the end of the day, many people go back hiding into their prized closets, the facade which they tried so hard to maintain.

After some thoughts about the factors which contributed to the 'closet issue', I've managed to think of the following reasons: Law, Religion, or even both.

As governments of some countries do not wish to 'promote, advocate, endorse, or encourage homosexual behavior', they retained the law which criminalises 'any act of gross indecency' between two male, or sodomy. Though it is hardly enforced in some countries such as Singapore and India, it imposes a bad impression on homosexuality.

Religious wise, for example, Christianity and Islam, they deemed homosexuality to be immoral. Again, it generates an unhealthy attitude towards homosexuals just because of their sexual orientations.

In some Muslim countries such as Iran, where people are very religious, and the government actively enforces their anti-gay laws, the closet is the life of a gay man. Without the closet, your life is as good as gone, unless you are willing to undergo a sex change operation.

There might be more factors, however, these 2 are the main possible factors, which i could think of, that contributed to the higher rate of people being in the closet in different countries as compared to our western counterparts.

Anonymous Quote

“I think of homophobia as a disease. Some carriers have it without knowing it. Some carriers know they have it, and try to cure themselves. Some of those who try, are treating only the symptoms. Some of those who don't, are quarantining themselves. And some carriers, like Jason Pereira (http://www.thatbloodycritic.blogspot.com), are actively spreading the germs. I think it would help if you knew which of these categories your friend belongs to.”

20 Question on Homosexual.

20 Questions on Homosexuality.
If you have recently discovered your son, daughter, brother, sister or friend to be homosexual, we hope the following answers are helpful to you in some way.

1. What exactly is homosexuality?
Homosexuality is the tendency wherein the persons you find sexually attractive happen to be persons of the same sex as yourself.
Bear in mind however, that a homosexual person does not find all others of the same sex attractive. Only a few. After all, a heterosexual person does not find all opposite sex persons attractive either. But a homosexual person finds that all the people he is ever attracted to, happen to be of the same sex, just as a heterosexual person finds that all the people he is ever attracted to, happen to be of the opposite sex.
Sexual attraction goes hand in hand with a desire for a relationship and love. Homosexual persons yearn for love and a relationship with persons they are attracted to. Other than the fact that the persons they are attracted to happen to be of the same sex, the qualities in their relationships are no different than in heterosexual relationships, e.g. emotional commitment, mutual support and a desire for permanence. This can be seen from the strong desire in many countries to have laws changed to recognise same-sex marriages.

2. Why do some people think they are homosexual?
This question is a misguided question. When we use the word "think", we imply that it is not true, and that someone is misleading himself. Homosexual persons do not "think" they are homosexual. They know they are homosexual.
They know this because they can recognise their own feelings. They do not feel sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex. Every time they have a crush, it's with a person of the same sex. They do not experience similar feelings for persons of the opposite sex.
Related to this question is another, "Why do some people choose to be homosexual?"
This question is even more misguided. No homosexual person ever chooses to be homosexual. He simply discovers from his own feelings that he is. He has never made that "choice" in life, and as we will discuss below, he cannot "unchoose" it.
It is now widely accepted by scientific, psychiatric and medical professionals that homosexual orientation is innate, and fundamental to a some persons' nature. It is increasingly accepted that homosexual orientation is latent in the child, and possibly even in the foetus. It is not something that people change into during their teenage or adult years as a result of certain "bad influences". Certainly it is never something that people deliberately or consciously choose to become.
It is also widely accepted by thinking people that homosexuality is normal variation among humans. Just as some people are by nature left-handed, others are musically talented or extrovert, so some people are homosexual.

3. What causes a person to be homosexual?
The main answer right now is that we don't know the precise reasons, though it is a field of study that is receiving more and more unbiased attention. Studies conducted so far point increasingly to a substantial biological basis for homosexuality, but environmental influences in early childhood may be a factor too (not the sole cause).
(a) Genetic causes?
There is increasing evidence that it may be partly genetic. For example, it is found that when one son is gay, his brothers have a higher chance of being homosexual too. A homosexual identical twin (who shares the same genes with his twin) has the highest likelihood of having a homosexual brother.
Other articles in Yawning Bread provide more information on recent scientific discoveries. Use the search function to locate them.
(b) Other biological causes?
There is also increasing evidence of hormonal factors acting on the foetus. There is some tentative evidence that the brain structure in homosexual persons is different from heterosexual persons, and that this difference in brain structure arose from brain development in foetal life.
The most likely cause for differences in brain development is that of hormonal balance while in the womb. There is evidence that this hormonal balance of the foetus would have been affected by the hormonal balance of the pregnant mother.
Other articles in Yawning Bread provide more information on recent scientific discoveries. Use the search function to locate them.
(c) Upbringing?
On the other hand, evidence for upbringing as a factor is non-existent, despite a century of searching by people attached to this idea. The first problem is that "upbringing" is a very vague and general term. When I press my questioners to be more specific, they tend to bring up two old ideas which I will deal with below:
(d) Distant father, domineering mother?
This is an old idea that has no credible research supporting it. It is conjecture that comes from the idea that homosexual males are somehow feminised by an overdominant mother, while the father as the male role model is absent.
The problem with this conjecture is that it assumes that homosexual males are feminised. This is contradicted by the simple observation that the vast majority of homosexual males are as masculine as heterosexual males.
People who have made a serious study of homosexuality generally consider this notion to be without basis.
(e) Being molested when young?
This is another old idea without any credible data.
It comes from the mistaken assumption that people are innately heterosexual, but are "converted" to homosexuality through bad experiences, or through exposure to other homosexual persons during their formative years.
It is contradicted by the increasing evidence of a biological basis for homosexuality.
It is also contradicted by the fact that the vast majority of homosexual persons do not have any experiences of being molested, just like the vast majority of heterosexual persons.
Of the unfortunate few who have been molested by others of the same sex, some have turned out to be homosexual, while others have turned out to be heterosexual. Of those who have been molested by people of the opposite sex, some have turned out to be homosexual too, but others heterosexual. No observable pattern has ever been shown.
(f) Mixing around with other homosexual people?
A person does not become homosexual because he has homosexual friends. Likewise, a homosexual person will not turn heterosexual even when he mixes with heterosexual persons. Sexual orientation, either way, is pretty much fixed in any particular person.
Even children and teenagers do not turn homosexual just because they mix with homosexual adults. After all, the great majority of adults that children mix with are heterosexual. Is it logical that just because they get to know one, or even more than one, adult who is homosexual, it will forever change the child's future sexuality?

4. At what age do most homosexual persons become homosexual?
Again, a misguided question. No one "becomes" homosexual. Most homosexual persons report that they discover they are homosexual sometime during their teenage years. A smaller number report that they have known they were different from their peers since around 9 or 10, though at that age, they couldn't fully comprehend or put a name to that difference.
On the other hand, there are homosexual persons who repress their homosexuality for years. Mostly it is due to social pressure to conform, and to the lack of information in the society in which they live. They may get married and have children. But then at some point in their lives, they realise that they have never really felt anything for the opposite sex, while their feelings for the same sex never goes away. At that point in their lives, they finally recognise their own homosexuality.
To outsiders it would look like he suddenly "turned" homosexual. In fact, he has always been homosexual, only that he has denied it all this while.

5. How can a homosexual person change?
He can't.
Many homosexuals, wanting to escape social pressure, have tried. There has been no properly documented case of anyone succeeding.
Yes, there are documented cases of people who have psyched themselves into denial (almost always, these examples have come from the fundamentalist Christian groups), but there is no documented case of a person changing his feelings of attraction. Mental health professionals today consider these attempts (often called 'reparative therapy') by cult-like groups to change orientation to be abuse and warn of damage to the mental health of participants.
Sexual orientation is too fundamental in our nature to be changed. You cannot change homosexuals into heterosexuals. Nor vice versa.

6. What can psychiatrists do?
They can't change anyone's sexual orientation.
But a few homosexual persons can benefit from counselling and professional help. These are the ones who, feeling the burden of societal pressure, get very depressed, and maybe even reach the point of suicide. Professionals can help them see their situation in a more positive light, and improve their self-esteem.
However, the vast majority of homosexual persons do not need professional help. They are well-adjusted, self-confident people. Psychologically, they cope quite well despite prejudice and discrimination from society.

7. How do I persuade him to mix more with the opposite sex?
Why do you want to persuade him to mix more with the opposite sex? Are you hoping that he will turn heterosexual? As I said above, sexual orientation can't be changed.
By trying to "persuade" homosexual persons to do this or do that, you are showing disrespect to a person's right to choose his friends freely. How would you like to have others pressure you to do things that don't interest you? You'd see that as an unwarranted imposition.

8. Are all gay men effeminate and all lesbian women tomboyish?
No.
The reason society often has this stereotype is because most homosexual men and women are indistinguishable from heterosexual persons. Only the tiny minority who happen to be effeminate or tomboyish, are visible. So society has taken the visible tip of the iceberg and wrongly extended the stereotype to all.
By the way, some effeminate men are heterosexual. Some tomboyish women are heterosexual.
In any case, what is wrong with having feminine or masculine mannerisms? In themselves, there is nothing wrong, is there? What may be the problem is the disapproval of other (unenlightened) people around. But the problem should be fixed at source, which is to enlighten those people rather than infringe on the self-autonomy of gays and lesbians with feminine/masculine mannerisms and outlook.

9. Do homosexual people wish to go for a sex change?
No.
People who wish to go for sex change are transsexuals, not homosexuals. Transsexuals identify with a gender that is opposite to their bodies. For example, someone could be anatomically male, but feel very much a woman inside. Quite often transsexuals prefer to cross-dress, in keeping with the image they have of themselves.
Homosexual males consider themselves male, the same way as heterosexual males. They do not feel female at all. Homosexual females (i.e. lesbians), likewise consider themselves female. There is no conflict between their anatomical self and their sense of gender.

10. Why does my son, daughter, brother, sister or friend want to tell me that that he is homosexual? Why isn't he ashamed of it?
Generally, homosexual persons wish to ensure that those who are important to them have a clear and truthful idea of who they are. It may take them a long time and a lot of worrying to reach this point. But ultimately, they find that their sense of self-respect is such that they do not wish to live a lie any further.
For a homosexual person to tell others about his sexual orientation is a huge risk. He risks rejection and emotional chaos. If he has chosen to tell you, it is a sign that you are important to him. It is a long-standing truism that we are honest with those we love. You should feel honoured by his choice and you should feel a sense of responsibility to stand by him.
The truth does not make him or her any less your son, daughter, brother, sister or friend. He is still the same person as before, except that now he has given you a special gift, the gift of privileged honesty.
When he has reached this point, far from feeling guilt or shame, which is what society tends to put into homosexual persons, he has overcome it, and restored his self-respect. He has seen his own value as a person; he no longer subjugates himself to the ignorance and prejudice around him. That act of telling you is an act of liberation.

11. He/she is gay. What is the best thing I can do?
Make an effort to understand what it means to be homosexual. Do a bit of clear thinking and examine any pre-conceived notions you may have. Do not be judgmental. You yourself would not want others to be judgmental around you. Continue to see him as a person, a person you've long known.
Find some way to indicate that you are broadminded. Find some way to reassure him that the question of rejection does not arise. If it is true that it may take a while for you to get used to the idea, say so, be honest yourself. But if you believe that your love and capacity for friendship is deep enough to take the news in stride, then say that too, and work at it.

12. He/she is gay. What is the worst thing I can do?
The worst thing you can do is to issue ultimatums. You should never demand that he change, or repent. You should never make your love and friendship conditional upon others living their lives in accordance with your demands.
To demand that he change is asking for the impossible. He can never comply. He will simply feel cut off from you. You risk driving him to despair and suicide.
The second worst thing you can do is to say "I cannot accept it". This response is not constructive. It builds brick walls against understanding and communication. He is not asking you for permission or acceptance. He is telling you the truth about himself. Imagine that you're a 43-year-old woman. When an occasion calls for it, you tell your friend, truthfully, "I am a 43-year-old woman." But the response you get is "I cannot accept it. You must change!" Wouldn't you consider that a moronic and unhelpful answer?

13. What is meant by "homosexual lifestyle choice"?
Nothing. It is a meaningless term.
Firstly, there is no choice involved in being homosexual. Secondly, homosexual persons are as varied as heterosexual persons. There is no uniformity in the lives they lead. Some are career-driven and super-achievers; others know how to savour life. Some care for the environment; others are always buying the latest model of techno-wizardry and junking the old. Some are promiscuous; others are extremely faithful to their partners. Just like heterosexual persons.
This term, "homosexual lifestyle choice", is an invention of people who are anti-gay. They use this term to paint a false picture of supposed hedonism, and then go blasting at it.
Do not use this term. It is derogatory. Actually, it is bad enough that it is meaningless.

14. Is it true that homosexual men are obsessed with sex?
No more, no less, than heterosexual men.
Perhaps the media gives this impression. When heterosexual men are caught in compromising situations with the opposite sex, it is hardly newsworthy (unless the person is famous). But since homosexual exposés are considered more salacious and more newsworthy, based on the "moralism" of some societies, they tend to be highlighted. This bias in reporting may give the impression that homosexual men are more obsessed with sex, or that their behaviour is more shocking.

15. What is the risk of him getting AIDS?
On an individual basis, no more, no less than heterosexual persons. AIDS is not a disease for homosexual persons. AIDS is a disease spread mainly through sex, any kind of sex that is unprotected. Another common route of transmission is through intravenous drug use, but this is not at all related to sex.
In Singapore, the majority of HIV infections occur via heterosexual sex. Lesbians are considered one of the groups with the lowest risk factors.
Every one, whatever his sexual orientation, male or female, should be aware of the risk, and the appropriate protective measures, like using a condom. Just because a person engages in homosexual relationships does not mean he is necessarily at greater risk.

16. Is it a crime to be homosexual?
In Singapore, the homosexual act between males is a criminal offence (Sec. 377A). Even if it takes place between two consenting adults in the privacy of the home, the law considers it an offence. Government ministers however have said that the law will not be applied to consenting adults in private, and data from court cases indicate this policy is in effect.
The law probably does not apply to females, though as far as I know, no case has yet come up to test it. This means lesbian sex is most probably legal.
Most Asian countries do not have laws against homosexual sex. They only ones that do are ex-British colonies which inherited the laws from Victorian England.
What we have is a terribly stupid law. It is in breach of the UN Human Rights Committee's ruling that discrimination on the ground of sexual orientation is a violation of human rights. Although the Singapore government no longer enforces the law actively, the continued existence of the law reinforces prejudice and discrimination in this country, causing emotional damage (and possibly suicide) to your friends and your loved ones.

17. How do I tell whether a person is homosexual or not?
Most of the time, you can't. Homosexual persons are normal persons. They look normal, they act quite indistinguishably from heterosexual persons. This is so for a simple reason: they are normal. Just as a left-handed person is, for all practical purposes, quite a normal person.
The question should be why do you want to be able to tell whether a person is homosexual or not? I hope it is not to poke your nose into others' private affairs. I hope it is not to justify any discriminatory action (like sacking him from his job).

18. How many homosexuals are there in a population?
There is no simple answer to this, but most researchers today are of the consensus, based primarily on surveys done in the West, that among adult males it is somewhere in the region of 6-7%. There is an additional 6% or so who are bisexual (i.e. people who are attracted sometimes to the same sex, sometimes to the opposite sex).
Among adult females, the percentages are lower. Somewhere in the region of 3-4% homosexual, and perhaps a similar number bisexual.
There is no indication so far that these percentages vary by much from one country to another.
The question of percentages is complicated because of the many ways one can use to define homosexuality and bisexuality. What if a person feels homosexual but doesn't engage in homosexual acts? What if a person feels heterosexual, but engages in homosexual acts? What if a person is in a stable homosexual relationship, but occasionally has sex with the opposite sex?
Still, using the above percentages, as a rule of thumb then, it means that out of every fifteen male persons you know, about one would be homosexual and one bisexual. 15 is not a large set. How many male colleagues do you have in your office? In your class?
Chances are that you won't be able to figure out which of them are homosexual or bisexual. This only goes to show how normal they are.

19. How did homosexuality come into Asian societies?
Asian societies have always had homosexual persons in their midst. Historical records indicate so. For example, classical Chinese literature contain numerous references to same-sex love, expressed in non-derogatory terms. Chinese imperial records through the ages have witnessed emperors and high officials with homosexual love affairs, as have Moghul records from India.
There are some people who hold the mistaken idea that homosexuality was one of those "degenerate practices" imported from the West. They are wrong. It's not degenerate, and it's not Western.

20. What is homophobia?
Homophobia is defined as a "fear of homosexuality or homosexual persons". Quite often, though, it is used in the sense of "hatred of homosexuality or homosexual persons".
Like other phobias, e.g. hydrophobia (fear of water) or agoraphobia (fear of venturing into public spaces), homophobia is essentially irrational. It is not founded on clear logic or reason.
Unfortunately, some people act out their homophobia, in the form of gay-bashing, in the form of emotional rejection and even violent treatment of family members who are homosexual. When in positions of authority, they enact laws or preach sermons that do injustice to millions of homosexual persons around the world.

Homophobia is REAL and can be FATAL....

"I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian."

"I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman."

"I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights."

"We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time."

"I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room."

"I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me."

"I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again."

"I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear."

"We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men."

"I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me."

"I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman."

"I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman."

"I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male."

"I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men."

"I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that."

"I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual."

"I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me."

"I am the man who stopped attending place of worship, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind."

"I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love."

What you have read above are some of the major problem that PLU are facing every single mins, hours, days, weeks, months, years and so for... We urge the community to be open minded and treat the minors equally. afterall we are humans and we do have feelings.....